Wit And Humour | Yorkshire - God's Own County

Yorkshire You are Welcome to It!

On June 20, 2010, In Our Yorkshire, Villages and Towns, Welcome To - series, Wit and Humour, Yorkshire Cities, By brian

Taciturn, dour, gruff even but Yorkshire folk have infinite pride in their county. For that reason you are welcome to visit or live in the area but do not expect full acceptance to take less than a generation or three.

North, East or West there is a Riding for you – obviously we don’t take as quickly to southerners, so we have no South Riding.

To show just how welcoming you may find Yorkshire there is a section on this website that visitors could find useful. It lists things to do and see in various towns, cities and villages.
The lists are often curtailed, limited or restricted (with Yorkshire modesty) to a top ten when there are lots more attractions to these Yorkshire Places.

Welcome to Otley LS21
Welcome to Hovingham YO62
Welcome to Harrogate HG1
Welcome to Saltaire BD18
Welcome to Thirsk YO7
Welcome to Keighley BD 21
Welcome to Wetherby LS29
Welcome to Settle BD24

As the flags on this photograph reveal we also welcome European and International visitors of all nationalities even from the rest of Great Britain.

Good Things About Leeds

On June 6, 2010, In Our Yorkshire, Wit and Humour, Yorkshire Cities, By brian

The Good Things

The road to Hull but beware the M62 also goes to that other place.
Road to Bradford via Pudsey or any other road out of the city for that matter.
The ring road so you do not have to go into the city centre – not that the Burghers of Leeds want any cars near their city judging by the atrocious parking and one way system. They might as well put up no entry signs!
Leeds bus station a very convenient 1.2 miles from Leeds railway station. That’s the way the silly Burghers encourage the use of public transport.
Only slightly better are the roads to Harry Ramsdens, Bryans and Murgatroyds gold plated fish and chip shops in Guiseley, Headingley and Yeadon.

Win a weekend in Leeds, if you dare and still want to win after all this, ‘Leeds love it live it’ closing date 30 June 2010

On a positive note ……….

Tagged with: transport

A Yorkshireman in London

On May 28, 2010, In Our Yorkshire, Wit and Humour, By admin

This is t’missus swimming with Dolphins on the Thames.

Local fish and chips turned out to be Eels and mash so we didn’t recon much to that.
As for the price of Beer!!! I know this is the capital but it’s punishment.
Still near Tottenham Court Road tube the is an Angel with reasonably priced Sam Smiths in an Edwardian pub setting that hasn’t been spoilt be refurbishment for yonks.

As they say you can always tell a Yorkshireman in London – but you can’t tell him much. With all the tourists asking us for directions it was worse than York on a bank holiday.

Note Ferrets are frowned on in London but Fayed flogs fancy ferrets at Harrods.

Yorkshire Independence Party

On May 7, 2010, In Wit and Humour, By admin

This morning, the UK awoke to the shock news that the Yorkshire Independence Party had swept to power in a landslide majority. Overthrowing the incumbent Labour party, and beating off the heavily fancied Tories and Lib Dems – the YIP has swept to power all across the country.

The party leader Arthur Boycott was in ebullient mood.

“Well, I always thought we would do well in the East Riding, and in the South of Yorkshire, but, I have to admit we were pretty pleased to sweep the border into Nottinghamshire, especially since we didn’t field any candidates there. I think there’s a growing realisation that the Yorkshire Independence Party is the only main party who can grapple with the problems of National Debt, health care and the economy, whilst at the same time offering free Yorkshire puddings to the over 65s and making whippet racing an Olympic sport.”

It is not clear when the YIP will implement their controversial policy of border controls with Lancashire. Immigration was a hot topic in the election, with recent evidence of many thousands of Lancastrians crossing the Pennines to seek a better life in the land of flat caps and real ale. The YIP party have often stated that whilst they can understand why people are flocking into Yorkshire, there are only so many immigrants from t’other side of border that can be accommodated.

Now the Yorkshire Independence Party have swept to power in Westminster, it is only a matter of time before a fully free and independent Yorkshire emerges. Naturally, the new country of Yorkshire will be based on the original boundaries reclaiming lost territory from Cumbria and Humberside.

Other main planks of the Yorkshire Independence Party manifesto that are to be implemented include:

Make Yorkshire a compulsory second language at English schools.
Return to lbs, shillings and halfpenny bits.

It is not clear whether Yorkshire football clubs will follow suit and break away from the English football league. However, An independent Yorkshire football league, may well prove the best bet for Leeds United and Sheffield Wednesday to return to top flight football.

Join the Yorkshire Revolution

Join Britain’s fastest growing political movement – Yorkshire Independence Movement

Yorkshire Independence Movement

On April 1, 2010, In Our Yorkshire, Wit and Humour, By admin

Today the Movement for an Independent Yorkshire (MIY – Not to be confused with MI5 or DIY) made a bold claim to stake complete independence from the UK.

Earlier today, forces loyal to Yorkshire Independence unravelled the Yorkshire White Rose flag over Humberside County Council – reclaiming the East Riding for the Republic of Greater Yorkshire. The flag was unravelled to great rejoicing from the locals.

The New Yorkshire Parliament has already promised:

Not to join the EU,
bring back old fashioned weights of lbs, stones and inches
Offer free Yorkshire puddings to old age pensioners
Remove VAT for flat caps
Impose tariff barriers on Southern beer and Lancashire Hot Pot
Campaign for Whippet racing and Coal carrying to becoming Olympic sports
Make Yorkshire dialect compulsory learning in schools.
More controversially have been the plans to build a customs barrier stretching across the pennines between the Yorkshire and Lancashire border. The Lancastrian independence movement has responded coldly to today’s developments. There was widespread dismay that yet again Yorkshire had beaten Lancashire.
But, in Yorkshire, such sentiments were not in evidence. Huge crowds turned out to listen to the new Government. Geoffrey Boycott speaking as the New President of the Republic of Yorkshire said.

“Ey by eck, It’s a grand day to finally have our independence from those Southern fools. Long live Yorkshire!”

Today is April 1st 2009 a day which will long live in the memories of all Yorkshiremen.

Breaking News!!!!

The Yorkshire Independence Party sweep to power in a shock general election victory! – find out what it means for you, your family and your whippets.

Barry Cryer Support for Hernia Chronicles

On March 2, 2010, In Books & Literary Work, Wit and Humour, Yorkshire Folk, By brian

Leeds born and educated, up to a point, Barry Cryer’s book now called The Chronicles of Hernia is a newly packaged comedy classic, first published in 1998 under the title ‘You Won’t Believe This But….’ Purchase from Amazon here
‘Still Alive’ is the name of his current touring show and it is worth making special effort to see Barry perform although he excels on valve radio where he is ‘the cats whiskers’.
Barry will be 75 this month and so I have picked out one or two lines with an ageist theme

“Stannah have got a new, faster stairlift. It gets you up the stairs before you’ve forgotten why you went.”

“Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.”

From the new Uxbridge dictioery of alternative meanings for English words Platypus – to give your cat pigtails, Flemish – rather like snot, or Celtic -a prison for fleas.

If I go under a bus I don’t want any displays of loyalty.”

Barry the smoker gave an interview posted on Forces international:
‘There were two guys in the pub and one says, “I’ll see you tomorrow.” And the other one says, “No you won’t. I’ll see you a fortnight tomorrow, I’m going on holiday.” So the first one says, “Oh God, would you bring me back some cigarettes?” The other one says, “Course I will.” So they meet a fortnight later, and the guy’s got a big carton. So the man says, “Thank you very much. How much do I owe you?” And the other guy says, “Seventy-six quid.” The first man says, “Seventy-six quid! Where did you go?” And other guy says, “Bournemouth.” ‘

Tagged with: nostalgia

Yorkshire Tennis

On January 24, 2010, In Wit and Humour, By admin

A recent post on the cost of hobbies got us looking at the game of tennis. Yes, tennis is played in Yorkshire, it just wasn’t the number one sport in the mining communities though…

Sauce Sourced with Relish and a Joke

On January 21, 2010, In Food and Drink, Wit and Humour, By brian

You are unlikely to find this saucy little number in your local Chippy but you might overhear these old sores being repeated. ‘I have told you a million times not to exaggerate.’

So I went down the local supermarket, I said “I want to make a complaint, this vinegar’s got lumps in it”, The check out girl said “Those are pickled onions”.

The fast food shop at Windscale (you may call it Sellafield now but the name hints at how old my jokes are) is called “The Fission Chips.” It is called fast food so you eat it fast or otherwise you might taste it.

I’m in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won, The prize, a year’s supply of Marmite……… one jar.
A friend got some vinegar in his ear, now he suffers from pickled hearing.

Another deaf friend had an ear transplant from a pig now all he can hear is crackling.

If a White Russian ruler is called t’Tzar and his wife is t’Tarina are his children t’Tardines?

Mummy tomato went for a walk with the baby tomatoes consistently lagging behind, so she turned round and shouted ‘Ketch-up’.

Being overweight is something that just sort of snacks up on you.

A friend was standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place an order. There was a big sign posted that read, “No notes larger than 10 Euros will be accepted.” underneath was written “Believe me, if I HAD a note larger than 10 Euros I wouldn’t be eating here.”

Active Hobbies and Costs

On January 17, 2010, In Our Yorkshire, Wit and Humour, Yorkshire Sport and Pastimes, By brian

Yorkshire Bank are worried that we spend too much money on our hobbies. That is a bit rich coming from a bank now owned by the Aussies.

From last years figures and statistics they came up with the following list of hobbies, annual costs and number of active participants.

HOBBY	NUMBER OF ADULTS TAKING PART AT LEAST ONCE A MONTH	ANNUAL COST
Golf	1,457,347	£755
Gym (incl. exercise bikes/rowing machines)	4,722,762	£480
Tennis	874,040	£385
Badminton	900,332	£365
Cycling (mod intensity 30 + mins)	3,175,650	£330
Swimming	5,625,539	£176
Fishing	281,083	£148
Football	2,910,684	£88.95
Running	1,872,819	£70
Walking (mod intensity 30+ mins)	8,142,693	£0
Average Cost		£279.79

No mention of cricket, bowls, field sports, rugby, bouldering, table tennis, netball, fell running, sky diving or other Yorkshire based activities.
Fishing numbers seem too low and at the risk of offending many fishermen they are hardly very active. Yorkshire Bank must be thinking of the River bank.
Thank goodness shopping isn’t on the list of hobbies, I am sure it costs me most and I cut up her M&S credit card a long time ago.

‘Yorkshire Bank’s top tips for saving money for your active hobby:
1. Calculate how much your hobby is costing you every month – make sure this figure covers all your costs and use it in your household budget (but it won’t save owt)
2. Budget, budget, budget – include your hobby costs in your household budget to ensure you don’t have any nasty surprises at the end of the month. By writing down exactly what you are spending your money on, you might be able to cut down on things that are less important to you than your hobby (but it will probably save you nowt)
3. Assess the equipment you currently own – do you really need it all? Selling any surplus on the internet or trading it in for money off new kit could significantly cut your costs (or sell someone else’s equipment instead)
4. Shop around – if you hobby requires a particular venue or specific kit, make sure you have researched all the options and are sure you have the best deal before parting with your cash (play golf at the crack of dawn before the green keepers are awake).
5. Make ‘hobby’ buddies – club together with friends who share your passion and spilt the cost of everything from venue hire and membership fees to petrol and equipment. ( or better still find a rich buddy)’.

Do not forget, in competitive hobbies, it is not the winning that counts but how much you drink afterwards.
What do fish and women have in common? They both stop shaking their tail after you catch them.
The biggest fish ever caught in Yorkshire was 16 inches – Hmm not very big – well that was between the eyes.

Humour In Yorkshire

On January 2, 2010, In Books & Literary Work, Our Yorkshire, Wit and Humour, By brian

Yorkshire Humour by Ian McMillan (Author), Tony Husband (Illustrator).

Example of the Humour
‘Now Willie you mustn’t be selfish you should let your brother have the sledge half the time’.
‘I do Mum, I have it coming down and he has it going up’.
I dare say Willies brother can have the sledge all through summer as well. This is the sort of humour in the new book which highlights the dry side of Yorkshire folk.

Tony Husband has a string of joke books to his credit but is better known as a gifted cartoonist. In Private Eye his ‘Yobs and Yobettes’ strip satirises Chav culture with a sledge hammer. Ian McMillan is a poet with a string of job titles including Yorkshire Planetarium’s Poet in Space, Poet in residence Barnsley FC and Bard of Barnsley. For the 12 Yorkshire days of Christmas he gave us this :
On the first day of Yorkshire Christmas my true love gave to me
A tinsel muffler to put round me tree
On the second
2 racing pigeons
3 nippy whippets
4 flat caps
5 Dickie Birds
6 Grandmas grumbling
7 Grandads snoring
8 Banghra Dancers
9 parkin makers
10 Bowls full of Yorkshire pudding batter
11. Football teams struggling in the lower divisions
12 Michael Parkinson Blow Up Dolls

The book is well worth a read, have you heard the one about the old men of a Dales village chatting over the death of an old friend. Along comes a newcomer to express his sorrow at the passing of the man.
“It is sad when an old native of the village dies,” says the new resident. “Nay lad, he wasn’t a native, ‘e was a come-er-in-a,” says one of the old men. “’E only lived here 70 year.”

Yorkshire – God’s Own County

A tribute to Yorkshire Heritage