Archive | Wit and Humour

Quirk wit and humourous anecdotes.

Tea Towels are US

yorkshire

Yorkshire – The White Rose County or as I am sure you prefer ‘Yorkshire – God’s Own County’ attracts a wide range of merchandise and there’s nowt wrong with that if it helps the Yorkshire economy.

Take Tea Towels as an example (not just a device for drying the pots) from Yorkshire Linens. Available are designer tea towels such as Yorkshire Born & Bred, Yorkshire Pudding Recipe,  War of the Roses,  Yorkshire Map, Scarborough railway poster tea towels and a Harrogate scenes .

Good attractive Tea towels at a reasonable cost or so I’m told. Now you can get someone to dry the dishes in style! So don’t throw in the towel just yet. Less of this ‘Blether’ which features on an Amazon tea towel of ‘Yorkshire Dialect Translator’  which I reckon this was made in China (when that is what it is supposed to dry.)

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Our Opposition are Wrong

Book Cover

Gods Own County has long espoused the Independent Yorkshire ethos. see Party for Independent Yorkshire State (PIYS).   But by ‘eck we are chuffin cheezed at the off-cumdens from God’s Own Country. From the book-passport shown above we have the following bits of grief:

Where the Opposition are getting it Wrong

  • Why a maroon EU style passport cover not a deeply satisfying blue  – did ships carrying red and blue paint crash leaving the sailors marooned?
  • We can forgive the poncy ‘postrophy but we are the world’s greatest county and do not need to pretend to be a country.
  • Another colour blind error is the ‘gold’ rose – ‘wrong end of….. end of…………… end of……………………’
  • What is all that about Republic! We could still be a monarchy with the Duke of York as head of……oh I see what they mean, Geoff Boycott it will have to be.
  • The font for Yorkshire is depicted as being smaller than that used for Passport. A sin worthy of being forced to drink larger or flat, warm, southern beer.

Where Could this Opposition be Leading Us

  • Dividing the county by these antics could split Yorkshire in to parts – we have seen two approaches so far and a third would create a riding!
  • The Sophie Walker and the Women’s Equality Party were vanquished in Shipley during the last general election by (General) Philip Davies. We might need to make him Field Marshall if we need to fight again.
  • The joke content of the passport could be taken seriously by any aspirational outsiders ‘Whether born and bred in the Broad Acres, an offcumden, a tourist or even a Lancastrian, the holder of this passport is bestowed official Tyke status’. Bestowed in whose name one might ask.
  •  Other Republic pubs like The People’s Republich on Newland Ave in Hull which recently opened so you can play board games and treat them as a cafe. These are frightening uses for a pub.

In Conclusion

One may be able to forgive all but the Lancastrian comment which takes the Yorkie.

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Old Amos a Great Old Dalesman

Legendary Yorkshireman Old Amos is 65 this year but regrettably  there will be no pension for Old Amos because he was above pensionable age when he first appeared!

Old Amos has been a fixture at the Dalesman magazine since May 1953 although its first edition was published in 1939 under the original title of ‘The Yorkshire Dalesman: A Monthly Magazine of Dales’ Life and Industry’. Old Amos is still capable of dishing out words of wisdom in Yorkshire dialect.The wry humour of Dalesfolk is continued in current monthly issues of Dalesman now published from Skipton.

Book CoverOld Amos Biography

  1. Born in Clapham at the Dalesman maternity unit in 1953. Mother unknown father Rowland Lindup cartoonist with a twist. He must have surprised the midwife by being born with a full white beard, old jacket and hat making him look quite rotund and ancient.
  2. He was originally named ‘Owd Amos’ to differentiate him from the old testament version of Amos who I am sure his subsequent followers knew was one of the Twelve Minor Prophets in the Hebrew Bible and old testament.
  3. Prior to publication he used deed poll to become the more familiar and avuncular ‘Old Amos’ using one aspect of the poll tax to good effect.
  4. His first words were ‘A word of advice – nivver give it’.
  5. Some of his later words were ‘Ah’ve always been too busy to grow old.’ ‘Old age is when it takes twice as long to rest and ‘alf as long to get tired.’ and ‘ It doesn’t matter how old you are but how you are old!
  6. His other biography may be available in Amazon
  7. Very Old Amos lived in the kingdom of Judah and is a prophet in the old testament

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Signs of the Times

Is this an instruction to the dustbinmen (refuse operatives if you want to be PC) not to rush to work and finish!

Our favourite sandwich shop sign now sadly closed for lunch and everythingelse!

Oh I did like to be beside the seaside – when Scarborough had the Futurist Theater on Foreshore road.

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Mucky Fat for Your Drip Teacake

Nowt better than a bit of ‘Mucky fat’. That is the nectar of the gods that drips out of a large well cooked beef joint. When poured off it will conceal, rather than set, into two layers. The top will be a tasty float of soft fat or as some say dripping but then we get to the mucky bit. Underneath the fat will be a brown jelly like substance of beefy goodness ideal for spreading  on a breadcake, scuffler or teacake.

The best result is when a helping of fat with a scrape of brown goodness is spread on your bread of choice. Barm cake, roll, bun, oven bottom, batch, cob, stottie, softie bridie, muffin, oggie, bap or buttery will all taste better with a lashing of mucky fat.

I am prepared for this delicacy to be called a drip teacake but not as southerners may say ‘a dripping sandwich’.

 

Do not Mistake Lard  for Drip

  • Another Yorkshire staple is lard! It is a key ingredient for cooking Yorkshire puddings. Batter is best poured into hot lard and cooked until golden brown.
  • Lard is not dripping and vice versa!
  • Lard is made from pigs as dripping is make from beef.
  • Pigs may be mucky but that is just pigs for you.
  • Lardy lads may play rugby league in Ponte or at Cass but they are too big for me to say so.

 

 

 

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Barnsley Food Porn

Barnsley Chops

  • Barnsley does ‘Chops’ better than it does Porn!
  • Soft juicy and succulent these Barnsley Chops are just waiting to be well and truly cooked! Cheeky chops.
  • At the local Chinese no.241 is Barnsley Chop suet – ideal for deep frying and pastry production.
  • Did you think ‘Barnsley Chop’ was a form of vasectomy? If so I am cut to the quick. Barnsley Chops are a snip at your local butchers at £5.55 a pound.
  • Are “Barnsley’s at home” is a local euphemism for menstruation.  As for bloody chops  I am not as sure but check out Doncaster NHS

Barnsley Mutton Chop Whiskers

You Know You are from Barnsley when:-

  • The fast food shop sells a Barnsley Chop  chop chop
  • Snap is something you eat.
  • You know that a bag of spice is something kids eat.
  • You judge a cafe by its black pudding, chops and gravy.
  • You consider having warm chips and chops as your birthright.
  • You call drinking water “Dearne Valley Pop” but have Barnsley Bitter with chops.
  • Your ‘five a day’ means Lyons Cakes after  chops.
  • You visit another town and they “claim” to have Barnsley Chops – but you know better.
  • Your side burns are shaped like chops
  • You’ve been busting your chops writing this post.

More Chops – no chips on chin or whiskers on the stiff upper lip

 Esther M. Zimmer Lederberg  memorial website.

Barnsley Butchers are selling Houses!
Get your car from the Barnsley Chop shop
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John Prescott MP Kingston upon Hull East

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Hull the City of Culture 2017

Baron Prescott, of Kingston upon Hull in the County of East Yorkshire formerly John ‘Prezza’ Prescott or ‘Two Jags’ as he was known during his time as Deputy Prime Minister has been his eloquent self again.  When asked about a potential second home in Blakeney he said  ‘Why would I want to go and live in bloody Norfolk for God’s sake? Nothing good ever came out of bloody Norfolk since Oliver Cromwell.’

Prescott Quotes

‘But I generally recognise, unless we lift the amount of houses in supply, we are not likely to reduce greatly that increase in prices in housing, which even now is two or three times people’s yearly earnings.’

‘I love coming to Tories seats and roughing them up… that is what elections are about.’

‘The objectives remain the same and indeed that has been made clear by the Prime Minister in a speech yesterday that the objectives are clear and the one about the removal of the Taliban is not something we have as a clear objective to implement but it is possible a consequence that will flow from the Taliban clearly giving protection to Bin Laden and the UN resolution made it absolutely clear that anyone that finds them in that position declares themselves an enemy and that clearly is a matter for these objectives.’

That famous punch worthy of Richard Dunn at his best ‘is the only memorable moment Prezza provided in a political career stretching over four decades’ have a look at the hook on You Tube. There is 15 minutes of John Prescott on You Tube if you want some elocution lessons.

The John Prescott Kama Sutra by Kelvin Mackenzie
Book Cover

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Virtual Yorkshire Museums

Absinthe Rosinette

What have Degas, Vincent van Gogh, Henri Toulouse Lautrec, Verlaine, Rimbaud, Baudelaire, Oscar Wilde, Edgar Allen Poe, Picasso, Hemingway and many others all got in common? The answer is not Yorkshire in this case! They all feature Absinthe in their works and now I can add myself to that list. (in your dreams ed.)

I was taken with the concept of a Virtual Absinthe Museum (VAM) to say nothing of Absinthe’s alleged psychoactive properties.  So what other virtual museums do we need (if any ed)?

Virtual Yorkshire Museum Ideas

Happy Emigrants from Yorkshire – this would be very short and full of angst ridden people dreaming of returning home. You can take them out of Yorkshire but you can’t take Yorkshire out of them.
Unhappy Immigrants to Yorkshire – similarly would be very short as the only reason to be unhappy about moving to Yorkshire is that you can’t live long enough to be a bone-fides Yorkshireman.
Knurr and how do you spell it virtual museum– I should knock this idea on the head.
Women’s rights in Yorkshire – I knew I should have knocked this on the head.
Virtual Flat Cap – the museum to cap it all.
Absinthe of Yorkshire Bitter – where all good beer goes to go flat

Absinthe Robette

If you have an idea for any other Virtual Virtual Museum let us know!

Credits “Absinthe Rosinette and Absinthe Robette by paukrus, on Flickr under CC BY-SA 2.0”
The Flâneurs Society

 

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Stick to Sticks

stickmen with sticks stick to the bus

I was amused by these stick men with sticks on a bus window! It was better than Morris men with sticks but not a lot!

Vintage Stick Jokes

  • I am a mystic and this is my stick. ‘Hagha’ Tommy Cooper 1957
  • What’s brown and sticky? …. A stick
  • What ticks on a wall? ….Ticky paper!
  • What do you get when you cross an elephant with a jar of peanut butter? An elephant that sticks to the roof of your mouth.
  • A duck walks into a Superdrug and asks for a tube of ChapStick.
  • The clerk asks, “Will that be cash or charge?”
  • The duck replies, “Put it on my bill!”

Try drumming up some interest. Perhaps I snared you.

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