Category Archives: Wit and Humour

Quirk wit and humourous anecdotes.

In Yorkshire in Jokey Mood

Yorkshire museum

I would rather be:

Indecisive than in Lancashire
Indentured than live in Accrington
Intellectual than in Blackpool
Indifferent than in Burnley
Inflammatory than in Manchester

I would also rather be:

Inebriated than be intemperate
Involuted than inextricably abstruse
Insular than in solitary confinement
Individual than be in with the in-crowd
Intense than sleeping under the stars
Indignant than invidiously Lancastrian
Incontinent than in Europe

More Jokey Bits

How do you make a Liverpudlian Omlette? First steal three eggs…….
A teacher asked the class what ‘indifferent’ meant and one Yorkshire lad put his hand up and said it meant ‘nice’.
A bit puzzled the teacher ask him why he thought that and the lad replied ‘well last night when my mum and dad were in bed my mum said “ooh that’s nice” and my dad said “yes its indifferent.”

Yorkshire Airlines Video

Classic comedy.

“Taking off from Leeds International airport. Landing at Leeds International Airport after 20 minutes. – Because if it’s outside Yorkshire it’s not worth visiting!’

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, “If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.”

She removes all her clothing and asks, “Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?”

A Yorkshireman stands up, removes his shirt and says, “Here love, iron this!”.

Keep the Vexillologist’s Flag Flying

Vexillology, meaning the study of flags, is intriguing and challenging, I am told by Associated Content. ‘Whether you focus on flags of nations, states, counties, cities, corporations or service groups, you need to be familiar with the basic vocabulary of vexillology. Staff is the correct term for the flag pole.’ Vexillologists cringe when they hear people say a flag is at “half mast” when honoring the deceased. The correct term is “half staff.” Unless the flag is flying from a ship’s mast. That is the only situation when “half mast” is accurate’.

Fascinating Facts about Flags

Flags are normally flown from 8am to sunset but if they are flown at night they should be illuminated.
No permission is needed to fly the national flags and they are excluded from most planning and advertising regulations (but flagpoles may not be).
It is improper to fly the Union Flag upside down.The part of the flag nearest the flagpole should have the wider diagonal white stripe above the red diagonal stripe.
Breaking the flag is a British tradition for flag raising. Hoist the flag while rolled up and secured with a thin piece of cotton or a slip knot. A sharp tug of the halyard then breaks the cotton and release the flag to fly free.

Other Types of Flag

There are Banners & pennants are distinguished from flags because they hang straight down from a horizontal mount.
Flags for Pirates are called the Jolly Roger.
Lancashire & Yorkshire Railway Company had 2 flags before it was bought by LNER. The main flag is red and blue quarters with a white Maltese cross in the center and initial letters in each quadrant. See examples
There is a checkered flag for Bernie Ecclestone for a chequered career and a stone flag for our street.

Book Cover
Complete Flags of the World

Flagging up Weak Jokes
Our National flag symbolizes our taxes,” “We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them. It is the same for Americans except they see stars too.
The Italian flag has two pieces of velcro on it so that the red and green parts can be detached when any fighting starts.
What did one flag say to the other flag? Nothing. It just waved!
A man of a certain nationality was given the job of painting a flagpole but he didn’t know how much paint he would need. “Lay it down and measure it,” suggested a mate. “That’s no good,” he said . “I need to know the height, not the length.”

Other Flag and Vexillologist Items

Flags of the World Educational game from amazon
The Flag Institute
North American Vexillology Association

Yorkshire Special Pizza Delivery

Hi, do you deliver Pizza?

Only to Cleckheckmondsedge.

Liversedge

Cleckheckmondsedge is Yorkshire shorthand for an area that comprises of three west riding towns, Cleckheaton, Heckmondwike and Liversedge.
Liversedge was named in the domesday book and now comprises several smaller village areas, Norristhorpe originally called Dog gus, Roberttown, Millbridge at the centre and Flush where the woollen mills stood. Towards Cleckheaton are the settlements of Hightown, Littletown and Popeley Hill. Liversedge spans the sides of the Spen Valley.

Note in 1066 a ‘sedge’ was an allium type vegetable called a ‘nonion’ hence a popular Yorkshire dish Liver………

Yorkshire, The World, Milky Way, Universe No Post Code

When you were at school did you give your address as number X, some street, Your Town, Yorkshire, England, Europe, The World, The Milky Way, The Universe or something equivalent.
Did you get a reply even with no post code?
Did you get replies to chain letters when you put your address at the bottom of a list and sent it to friends or you would break the chain?

Fun filled facts from Eric Idle in a song he wrote for the Monty Python team.
It nearly puts God’s Own County in context.

Dallas or Doncaster

With the imminent return of the 1980′s TV series ‘Dallas’ I thought it worth comparing Dallas to our own Doncaster.
Texas sees its self as an American version of Yorkshire. Well I suppose ‘Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery’ but surely Dallas can’t hold a candle to ‘Donny’ or Doncaster.

Doncaster was built as a fort by the Romans during the first century around 71 A.D. at a crossing point on the river Don. Caester is Old English for military camp. Dallas was founded in 1841 as part of the Republic of Texas but what is 18 centuries between friends?

Book Cover

The New Dallas TV Channel 5

In the Ewing family they may have (Linda Gray) or Sue Ellen but Donny has (Diana Rigg) or Emma Peel in the The Avengers and the bond-girl in ‘On Her Majesty’s Secret Service’. I know who would win that cat fight or come out top when acting.
Dallas may have endless oil but Doncaster has coal, rail and a trolley bus museum.
Dallas has a 12 year history followed by 20 years of absence on our TV screens. Doncaster once featured in an Emmerdale episode with a plane crash.
JR may be a tough cookie but we have our own Larry Hagman in the form of our elected Mayor – Peter Davis.

Dallas skyline
Dallas skyline by dherrera_96 CC BY 2.0

Odd and Interesting Facts

Dallas has the ‘Cowboys’ ‘Mavericks’ and ‘Stars’ (American football, Basketball and Ice Hockey respectively) whilst Doncaster has the Rovers.
The Doncaster Gold Cup was first run in 1766 and is the oldest regulated horserace in the world and the St Ledger is the oldest classic horserace.
For those with a sweet tooth Doncaster was the home of Butterscotch, Nuttalls Mintoes and Murray Mints

Doncaster Station
Doncaster Station by mattingham CC BY-NC-ND 2.0

Is Everything bigger in USA

Dallas airport has a similar number of passengers to Doncaster Robin Hood at circa 3.7m per annum . That is with poetic license and if we ignore Dallas-Fort Worth airport which has 27.1m passenger movements and George Bush ‘Huston airport’ another 19.5m. (I put Huston in because like Robin Hood it was named for a folk hero?)
Texas may look on its self as God’s Own American State but we know Yorkshire is God’s Own County!

Funny and Comic T Shirts Slogans

There’s a little riverside town name York that is noted for T shirts and fun – here are about 100 slogans and comic quips for your next T Shirt.

Slogans

Who put the wet in Wetwang

Who put the naff in Nafferton

Who put the dint in Dent

Who put the or in Orgreave

Who put the Hor in Hornsea

It is a good job Scunthorpe is outside Yorkshire for this purpose.

At this seasonal time it is easy to reflect on the truism ‘there is no room at the bin’.

If you get a knock on the door by someone selling vacuums are they Jo Hoovers Witnesses.

Slogans

For more slogans click the pictures to enlarge.

Unusual and interesting Yorkshire

‘I Never Knew That About Yorkshire’ from amazon

North Yorkshire Deliciously Moorish T shirt offer

York Footpath or Snickelway Map

Snickelways were recently nominated as one of York’s seven man made wonders. Snickleways often lead the walker to fantastic pubs or act as short cuts to other watering holes.

Book Cover
The Complete Snickelways of York  -  Mark W Jones

If you like maps then you will like this book. If you like quirky maps and routes you will love this book. If you like York, and who dosen’t, then you may have already got this book or one of the earlier editions. Written and published like the Alfred Wainwright’s  Coast to Coast  book in hand written text with drawn and sketched routes this book gives an exceptional insight in our York, past and present.

For quirky who would have thought that Arthur Gemmell’s stile maps couldn’t be beaten for content or detail of presentation but they are? All these three cartographers Gemmill, Wainwright and Jones put the Frank Wilkinson walking series to shame from a cartographic perspective.

So what on earth is a ‘Snickelway’? In Mark Jones eyes it is a cross or hybrid between a Snicket, a Ginnel and an Alleyway with the odd Court, Yard or Throughway thrown in for good measure. What is more he takes us on walks through 50 of them all within a quarter of a mile of ‘The Shambles.’  That would be 51+ Snickelways if you count the top of the wall. A complete walk would be in excess of 3 miles plus the wall if you choose to tackle it all in one go.  My favourite review of the book says   ‘ My wife and daughter set off after breakfast with a copy of Snickelways, and I am still waiting for them to get home to make my midday meal’.    Angry York resident at teatime.

Mark Jones should be an honourary memeber of the International Cartographers Society or you yourself may wish to be a member of the Map Collectors Circle. I doubt the Roadmap Collectors Association have discovered Snickelways yet.

Look out for more humourous slogans on the snickleways of York.

Cockersdale and Keith Marsden Doin’ the Manch

Doin’ the manch is the title and first song on a re-released album of songs from Cockersdale and the pen and fertile mind of Keith Marsden. Hopefully this song is playing as a tribute to Keith who died in 1991.
The Manch is Manchester Road in Bradford which contained a record number of pubs most of which get mentioned by Keith in his humorous manner. There was also a serious side to Keiths songs about social conditions in the Yorkshire mines and mills and Cockerdale still sing many of them on the 3 CD’s and in live performances. The live show entitled ‘Picking Sooty Blackberries ‘ is pure Keith but Cockersdale performed ‘Lest we Forget’ the songs of Rudyard Kipling and Peter Bellamy at the Whitby Festival 2008.


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Cockersdale Top Ten

Bring Us a Barrel
Follow me Home
Hills of Mullaghbawn
Lost at 21
Three Cheers for Booze
Will Ye Go Te Flanders?
Cholera Camp
Raglan Road
St Aubin sur Mer
Left, Left, Right, Steady
Morley Main =
Home Lads Home

I originally penned this comment in 2009 and went on to watch the reformed Cockersdale at Whitby. The music pathos and humour are still as evocative as the early days with Keith and Cockerdale. Been Around For Years one of 4 LP’s is still available from Fellside