Wit And Humour | Yorkshire - God's Own County

March 2, 2010

Barry Cryer Support for Hernia Chronicles

Filed under: Books & Literary Work, Wit and Humour, Yorkshire Folk — Tags: nostalgia — brian @ 4:47 am

Leeds born and educated, up to a point, Barry Cryer’s book now called The Chronicles of Hernia is a newly packaged comedy classic, first published in 1998 under the title ‘You Won’t Believe This But….’ Purchase from Amazon here
‘Still Alive’ is the name of his current touring show and it is worth making special effort to see Barry perform although he excels on valve radio where he is ‘the cats whiskers’.
Barry will be 75 this month and so I have picked out one or two lines with an ageist theme

“Stannah have got a new, faster stairlift. It gets you up the stairs before you’ve forgotten why you went.”

“Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.”

From the new Uxbridge dictioery of alternative meanings for English words Platypus – to give your cat pigtails, Flemish – rather like snot, or Celtic -a prison for fleas.

If I go under a bus I don’t want any displays of loyalty.”

Barry the smoker gave an interview posted on Forces international:
‘There were two guys in the pub and one says, “I’ll see you tomorrow.” And the other one says, “No you won’t. I’ll see you a fortnight tomorrow, I’m going on holiday.” So the first one says, “Oh God, would you bring me back some cigarettes?” The other one says, “Course I will.” So they meet a fortnight later, and the guy’s got a big carton. So the man says, “Thank you very much. How much do I owe you?” And the other guy says, “Seventy-six quid.” The first man says, “Seventy-six quid! Where did you go?” And other guy says, “Bournemouth.” ‘

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January 24, 2010

Yorkshire Tennis

Filed under: Wit and Humour — admin @ 5:50 pm

A recent post on the cost of hobbies got us looking at the game of tennis. Yes, tennis is played in Yorkshire, it just wasn’t the number one sport in the mining communities though…

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January 17, 2010

Active Hobbies and Costs

Filed under: Our Yorkshire, Wit and Humour, Yorkshire Sport and Pastimes — brian @ 12:07 am

Yorkshire Bank are worried that we spend too much money on our hobbies. That is a bit rich coming from a bank now owned by the Aussies.

From last years figures and statistics they came up with the following list of hobbies, annual costs and number of active participants.

HOBBY	NUMBER OF ADULTS TAKING PART AT LEAST ONCE A MONTH	ANNUAL COST
Golf	1,457,347	£755
Gym (incl. exercise bikes/rowing machines)	4,722,762	£480
Tennis	874,040	£385
Badminton	900,332	£365
Cycling (mod intensity 30 + mins)	3,175,650	£330
Swimming	5,625,539	£176
Fishing	281,083	£148
Football	2,910,684	£88.95
Running	1,872,819	£70
Walking (mod intensity 30+ mins)	8,142,693	£0
Average Cost		£279.79

No mention of cricket, bowls, field sports, rugby, bouldering, table tennis, netball, fell running, sky diving or other Yorkshire based activities.
Fishing numbers seem too low and at the risk of offending many fishermen they are hardly very active. Yorkshire Bank must be thinking of the River bank.
Thank goodness shopping isn’t on the list of hobbies, I am sure it costs me most and I cut up her M&S credit card a long time ago.

‘Yorkshire Bank’s top tips for saving money for your active hobby:
1. Calculate how much your hobby is costing you every month – make sure this figure covers all your costs and use it in your household budget (but it won’t save owt)
2. Budget, budget, budget – include your hobby costs in your household budget to ensure you don’t have any nasty surprises at the end of the month. By writing down exactly what you are spending your money on, you might be able to cut down on things that are less important to you than your hobby (but it will probably save you nowt)
3. Assess the equipment you currently own – do you really need it all? Selling any surplus on the internet or trading it in for money off new kit could significantly cut your costs (or sell someone else’s equipment instead)
4. Shop around – if you hobby requires a particular venue or specific kit, make sure you have researched all the options and are sure you have the best deal before parting with your cash (play golf at the crack of dawn before the green keepers are awake).
5. Make ‘hobby’ buddies – club together with friends who share your passion and spilt the cost of everything from venue hire and membership fees to petrol and equipment. ( or better still find a rich buddy)’.

Do not forget, in competitive hobbies, it is not the winning that counts but how much you drink afterwards.
What do fish and women have in common? They both stop shaking their tail after you catch them.
The biggest fish ever caught in Yorkshire was 16 inches – Hmm not very big – well that was between the eyes.

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January 2, 2010

Humour In Yorkshire

Filed under: Books & Literary Work, Our Yorkshire, Wit and Humour — brian @ 1:36 pm

Yorkshire Humour by Ian McMillan (Author), Tony Husband (Illustrator).

Example of the Humour
‘Now Willie you mustn’t be selfish you should let your brother have the sledge half the time’.
‘I do Mum, I have it coming down and he has it going up’.
I dare say Willies brother can have the sledge all through summer as well. This is the sort of humour in the new book which highlights the dry side of Yorkshire folk.

Tony Husband has a string of joke books to his credit but is better known as a gifted cartoonist. In Private Eye his ‘Yobs and Yobettes’ strip satirises Chav culture with a sledge hammer. Ian McMillan is a poet with a string of job titles including Yorkshire Planetarium’s Poet in Space, Poet in residence Barnsley FC and Bard of Barnsley. For the 12 Yorkshire days of Christmas he gave us this :
On the first day of Yorkshire Christmas my true love gave to me
A tinsel muffler to put round me tree
On the second
2 racing pigeons
3 nippy whippets
4 flat caps
5 Dickie Birds
6 Grandmas grumbling
7 Grandads snoring
8 Banghra Dancers
9 parkin makers
10 Bowls full of Yorkshire pudding batter
11. Football teams struggling in the lower divisions
12 Michael Parkinson Blow Up Dolls

The book is well worth a read, have you heard the one about the old men of a Dales village chatting over the death of an old friend. Along comes a newcomer to express his sorrow at the passing of the man.
“It is sad when an old native of the village dies,” says the new resident. “Nay lad, he wasn’t a native, ‘e was a come-er-in-a,” says one of the old men. “’E only lived here 70 year.”

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December 31, 2009

AND GOD MADE YORKSHIRE

Filed under: Wit and Humour — brian @ 5:10 am

Making Yorkshire God’s Own County

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven God went missing for six days.

Eventually, Archangel Michael found him on the seventh day resting.

He enquired of God, ‘Where have you been?’

God pointed downwards through the clouds. Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, ‘What is it?’

‘It’s a planet,’ replied God, ‘and I’ve put LIFE on it. I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a great place of balance.’

‘Balance?’ inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing down to different parts of the Earth.

‘For example North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot, and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I’ve placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people.’

God continued pointing to the different countries.

‘This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.’

The Archangel, impressed by God’s work, then pointed to another area of land and asked, ‘What’s that?’

‘Ah,’ said God. That’s Yorkshire, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful people, great sportsmen, and many impressive cities, Minsters and Old Abbeys; it is the home of the world’s finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and politicians. The people from Yorkshire are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they’re going to be found travelling the world. They’ll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth.’

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, ‘What about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!’

God replied very wisely, ‘Wait till you see the bunch of wazzocks I’m putting in the South !’

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October 16, 2009

Yorkshire Pizza Delivery

Filed under: Wit and Humour — admin @ 3:33 pm

Hi, do you deliver Pizza?

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September 29, 2009

Dance Yorkshire

Filed under: Wit and Humour, Yorkshire Arts & Music, Yorkshire Sport and Pastimes — brian @ 5:22 am

Whilst this book features Dancing in the East Riding there is a lot more going off in Yorkshire. I am always surprised at nthe number of dance venues still functioning for classes, medals and competitions. Undoubtedly a healthy pastime for a great many people it is good to feel a resurgence for dance.

Dancing as a Sport
The Yorkshire Dance Festival took place in Sheffield earlier in September. There were 28 classes of ballroom and latin and details can be found on Dance Info Sports that boasts ‘Everything you wanted to know about competitive dance world and dancesport.’
The 2012 Olympics created the idea of a 2012 dancers getting fit by dancing in city centres. A more traditional programme of dance events is on Dance Yorkshires web site.

Dancing as a Career
Yorkshire Dance in Leeds is a charity based operation that offers training courses and more dance related activities. It has just received more funding from The Arts Council for a Lift project to develop the work and careers of a selected group of talented dance practitioners. There will be an expert career mentoring programme and support for artists. The Riley Theatre is based at the Northern School of Contemporary Dance and runs an edgy programme and various courses.

Dance Humour
The Russians have the kosack, the Spanish the flamenco. If Yorkshire had a dance of its own, it’d involve swilling a pint of Tetley’s to and fro in front of the football while shouting ‘Leeds! Leeds! Leeds!’. Thankfully they don’t teach you the ins and outs of that dazzling composition, but you could learn some more credible forms of groove — street, jazz, tap and ballet are just a few of the jigs that you could be mastering here. Jangle that spangle, girlfriend. according to the Itchy guide.

The Butchers Dance

A guy has spent many years travelling all around the world making a documentary on Native dances. He thinks he has every single native dance of every indigenous culture in the world on film. He winds up in a pub in Sheffield where he hears about the seldom seen and sacred “Butcher Dance.”

The guy’s a bit confused and says, “Butcher Dance? What’s that, I thought I knew all the worlds great dances?” After a great deal of persuasion he gets an invite to the local dance hall. With great excitement because he believes he has uncovered a great new dance format he turns up at the appointed time.

A deathly hush descends over performers and spectators. The guy is becoming caught up in the fervour of the moment himself. This is it. He is about to witness the ultimate performance of rhythm and movement ever conceived by mankind. From somewhere the rhythmic pounding of drums booms out and locals begin to sway to the stirring rhythm.

Then he hears “You butch yer right arm in. You butch yer right arm out. You butch yer right arm in and you shake it all about…..

Get a special calender to record your dancing activity.

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September 12, 2009

Keep the Vexillologist’s Flag Flying

Filed under: Wit and Humour, Yorkshire Sport and Pastimes — brian @ 1:03 am

Vexillology, meaning the study of flags, is intriguing and challenging, I am told by Associated Content. ‘Whether you focus on flags of nations, states, counties, cities, corporations or service groups, you need to be familiar with the basic vocabulary of vexillology. Staff is the correct term for the flag pole.’ Vexillologists cringe when they hear people say a flag is at “half mast” when honoring the deceased. The correct term is “half staff.” Unless the flag is flying from a ship’s mast. That is the only situation when “half mast” is accurate’. Banners & pennants are distinguished from flags because they hang straight down from a horizontal mount.

There are flags for Pirates and for businesses if that is any different. Lancahire & Yorkshire Railway Company had 2 flags before it was bought by LNER. The main flag is red and blue quarters with a white Maltese cross in the center and initial letters in each quadrant. See examples There is a checkered flag for Bernie Ecclestone and a stone flag for our street.

Flagging up Weak Jokes
Our National flag symbolizes our taxes,” “We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them. It is the same for Americans except they see stars too.
The Italian flag has two pieces of velcro on it so that the red and green parts can be detached when any fighting starts.
What did one flag say to the other flag? Nothing. It just waved!
A man of a certain nationality was given the job of painting a flagpole but he didn’t know how much paint he would need. “Lay it down and measure it,” suggested a mate. “That’s no good,” he said . “I need to know the height, not the length.”

The Flag Institute
North American Vexillology Association

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September 6, 2009

Billy Liar RIP

Filed under: Books & Literary Work, Wit and Humour, Yorkshire Folk — brian @ 2:24 am

Charades will not be the same after the death of Billy Liar the author of ‘Keith Waterhouse. Is it a book, a film or a play? Yes! mimes the reply.

Still fresh after 50 years, Billy Liars’s novel about a compulsive dissembler who can’t handle reality is funny, sweet, and heartbreakingly sad. Set at the tail end of 1950s, the story is told by Keith Waterhouse, who lives with his parents in the fictional Yorkshire town of Stradhoughton. Keith can’t cope with his tedious clerking job at a local funeral parlor, living at home, or really anything about his life, and so, spends a great deal of time escaping into fantasy world in his head called Ambrosia. When he’s not imagining life as prime minister of his make-believe country, he’s spinning mostly purposeless lies to almost everyone he meets. Sometimes he’s lying to cover up real misdeeds, such as his small-time embezzling, other times, his lies are completely pointless, such as telling a friend’s mother about his fictional sister.

Billy grew up in Leeds, and like Waterhouse, worked as a clerk in an undertakers. 50 years since he wrote Keith Waterhouse, which began life as a book before becoming a hit West End play and film. Billy remembers there was a storm of complaints when it first appeared in the theatre because it had the word “bloody” in it. Fifteen times, apparently. Billy describes the word as “innocuous” and wonders what all the fuss was about. So how does the Mail spell it in the headline for the piece on Saturday? “B****y”. Bloody marvellous! says Media Monkey

Billy Liar Quotations.

“To my mind, 90 per cent of the unpleasant things that happen to us are in the name of rationalisation. Counties lose their names, trains lose their livery, ginger snaps lose their flavour and mint humbugs their sharp corners … under my derationalisation programme, Yorkshire would get back its Ridings, the red telephone box would be a preserved species, there would be Pullman cars called Edna, a teashop in every high street and a proper card index in the public library.”

“Should not the Society of Indexers be known as Indexers, Society of, The?”

“I wake up with views the way some people wake up with hangovers. Sometimes I wake up with both, when the confederation of clowns presiding over our destinies had better tread carefully.”"I never drink when I’m writing, but I sometimes write when I drink.”

Billy’s record in Who’s Who lists his hobby as ‘Lunch’, he created Clogthorpe Council and was also the founder of The Association for the Abolition of the Aberrant Apostrophe 9before Trusses’).

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September 2, 2009

Recycle Wheelie Bins

Filed under: Wit and Humour — brian @ 2:38 am

I urge you to recycle your Wheelie Bin before they take over our back streets. They meet weekly down your street or on local corners then scatter to the four winds when you want them back home. I think they must be breeding but you don’t often see the small ones together with these 440 ’s above.

Even if you brand them, with a house number for example, they never seem to come home. There is one way to get your wheelie bin back, if you cover it in a camouflage plastic green scene or piece of ‘artwork’, then it will always return to embarrass you.

According to today’s Daily Telegraph ‘Under new Big Joke council rules, every adult in a household as opposed to just one would be fined £110. This would mean in theory a student flat containing five over-18s could be hit with a £550 fine. Families with grown up children still living at home could also face the increased fines.

The new penalties cover offences such as putting a bin out too early or taking it in too late, leaving extra sacks of rubbish and over-filling. ‘

Binmen refuse to empty wheelie bin containing apples

Cor’ I bet that gave the gardener the pip – which jobs worth de-cidered to make that decision?

A dustman goes into a Chinese takeaway and says to the owner, “Where’s yer bin?”
“I been Ripon.”
Realising the Chinese chap has misunderstood, the binman smiles and says “No mate, where’s ya dust bin?”
“I dust bin in Ripon I told you” says the Chinaman.
“No, no, where’s yer wheelie bin?”
“I weally bin in Ripon.”

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